I do not know what "anticipation" makes but I do know that "hope deferred makes the heart sick."
I am still hopeful but yet anxious and ...
It is not nervousness, at least I do not think it is. I feel like I should vacuum, dust, scrub the floors, change the curtains, ... ready the house. I know it is my heart that needs to be readied instead. The changes to come is not analogous to hosting a guest but rather welcoming the change that lives. I thought I would be ready; I thought I was ready.
How does one accept the longed for and very delayed promise?
It ain't easy but I eagerly wait with heightened interest and hopeful anxiety.
Monday, June 07, 2010
Friday, June 05, 2009
beseiged?!
Busyness has a way of making contact and scheduling itself as the CHIEF conflict on my calendar. Maybe I invited it but how, when, where & why?
I have to start learning that I could only do so much PERIOD
My schedule has not gotten any better despite my best efforts to lighten the appointments and schedules. I had in fact complicated my schedules even more by the VERY few things I had signed up for. I had figured that I would be less encumbered by time constraints if I had a common theme running through my schedules; that was a mistake. It would have been a relief if I had signed up for less instead. Some lessons you learn by experience and hopefully this one is stuck with me now.
How does one win when beseiged by a army of one's creation?
I have to start learning that I could only do so much PERIOD
My schedule has not gotten any better despite my best efforts to lighten the appointments and schedules. I had in fact complicated my schedules even more by the VERY few things I had signed up for. I had figured that I would be less encumbered by time constraints if I had a common theme running through my schedules; that was a mistake. It would have been a relief if I had signed up for less instead. Some lessons you learn by experience and hopefully this one is stuck with me now.
How does one win when beseiged by a army of one's creation?
Friday, August 08, 2008
Intersting don't quite capture "it"
I looked forward to Thursday & Friday with eagerness and bursting anticipation. I missed the convention last year after having attended my first one the previous year. It was to remain a mainstay in my annual calendar if I had my way. This year was special too because a very close friend of mine was going to attend.
Last weekend was wonderful. I was out of town with my affinity group of friends in fellowship, communion and sheer fun. The activities (as light as they may have been) wore me out. I was only a guest but I found I needed rest.
Work was getting in the way of my extra special week. This particular project which was fun and exciting at the beginning required much more that I could offer within the short timeline. The project requirements are beginning to suffocate my schedule and no matter what I did, I seem not to be able anymore to extend schedules. I could not find a way to extricate myself from my tangled scheduling. The client's need and my unspoken promise to deliver what they required has me about to forgo my longed for replenishing event of the year.
And so it happened. I worked on Thursday and only met the second half of Friday. It was fun except that I feel half-full then satisfied. With time and in time, maybe, maybe I will get refilled outside of my intentions.
You would think that was enough "interest" for the week - NO!
Within the same periods in which I was juggling schedules on my calendar, an interesting lunch meeting showed growth and promise with lots to look forward to. Then my better half suggested that maybe I should move faster across the Atlantic than I was planning; as if by natural synchrony, a friend called and asked if I could travel yonder across the Atlantic soonest to help. What should I look forward to? I know what - more interesting stuff.
I need all the help I could get today and as it develops. Lord, keep me collected!
Last weekend was wonderful. I was out of town with my affinity group of friends in fellowship, communion and sheer fun. The activities (as light as they may have been) wore me out. I was only a guest but I found I needed rest.
Work was getting in the way of my extra special week. This particular project which was fun and exciting at the beginning required much more that I could offer within the short timeline. The project requirements are beginning to suffocate my schedule and no matter what I did, I seem not to be able anymore to extend schedules. I could not find a way to extricate myself from my tangled scheduling. The client's need and my unspoken promise to deliver what they required has me about to forgo my longed for replenishing event of the year.
And so it happened. I worked on Thursday and only met the second half of Friday. It was fun except that I feel half-full then satisfied. With time and in time, maybe, maybe I will get refilled outside of my intentions.
You would think that was enough "interest" for the week - NO!
Within the same periods in which I was juggling schedules on my calendar, an interesting lunch meeting showed growth and promise with lots to look forward to. Then my better half suggested that maybe I should move faster across the Atlantic than I was planning; as if by natural synchrony, a friend called and asked if I could travel yonder across the Atlantic soonest to help. What should I look forward to? I know what - more interesting stuff.
I need all the help I could get today and as it develops. Lord, keep me collected!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
An Story Telling Exercise in Cryptics - Go Figure I
"A funny thing happened on the way to ..."
You know the stories that start with such, those stories could get filed right inbetween the "Once upon a time ..." and "What had happened was ..."
"Once upon a time..." begins a "tale" while "What had happened was ..." is the usual start phrase for a very tall tale or excuses. "A funny thing happened on the way to ..." does not handsomely fit a well defined path to stories mostly because you are left wondering if there is truth to the story or if it was made up or both. It is even puzzling the more that most of the stories with such beginnings are not funny - and you are left wondering if it was funny to the author, teller or speaker. Are they yanking your chain; are they being ironic?
Funny or not, things happen on the way to anywhere and the lessons are where the importance lay - that is the key to any story - the lessons learned.
And so it was yesterday for me, it happened.
I have been considering my choices, weighing my options even since the week before. It was obvious I could not continue trying to fill all roles; a clear choice had to be made. It would have been easy if the three were equal or seemed equally comparable. One option had more immediate tangible benefits, the second had a little less margin of tangibles compared to the first but promises a path that leads to the kind of future I imagined for us. The third option was going to stay regardless of what I decided for the first two; I had to keep it at least for the legacy effects and the relationships involved. Once again I had apples, oranges and mixed fruit juice to compare - and the sizes were so different that comparing was not going to be easy. Maybe the apple should be dropped, afterall I have had my share of apples this year and I don't believe it is the season for the fruit anyway. Maybe the orange, it is hard work to peel it before eating it and even if I chose to squeeze - still some work.
So it was for a few days, I had moved back and forth on the choices and I could only move forward with two out of three. It was not undoable to go with the three but there are consequences to greed that I am not ready to suffer. I treasure my sanity and I could use some free time. The one week I had to really experience the three had other external pressures thrown in for good measures. I had to explain to a close friend why I needed focus and still they were too close to their wants to see my point. It was not a waste though, it was a big reveal to me to see through the eyes of another and see why I should make and communicate my choices clearly.
Friday came and so did the "final answer". I did not have to make a choice afterall; once was already made for me. "We wanted to assure you it had nothing to do with your performance and we will like to get your help with ... but we could not afford that during that critical part of the year. We hope you understand and we look forward to continuing the relationship and working on the other ..."
Phew! - What a relief! I was saved from having to make that tough and awkward phone call; I was called. It still amazes me that funny things continue to happen on the way to making decisions and on the way to leading a life. Funny things like this happen often on the way to somewhere to me. That is the funny part --> It Happened To Me <-- the funnier part is that it happened to me "AGAIN". Just like waking up without alarm by 04:00 because you have a flight to catch at 07:00 and had turned in late last night by 23:50 (without setting an alarm and without having your bags packed and needed two hours to get ready and drive to the airport).
AWESOME.
A funny thing happened on the way to a new opportunity once upon a time, what had happened was a choice was made for me.
You know the stories that start with such, those stories could get filed right inbetween the "Once upon a time ..." and "What had happened was ..."
"Once upon a time..." begins a "tale" while "What had happened was ..." is the usual start phrase for a very tall tale or excuses. "A funny thing happened on the way to ..." does not handsomely fit a well defined path to stories mostly because you are left wondering if there is truth to the story or if it was made up or both. It is even puzzling the more that most of the stories with such beginnings are not funny - and you are left wondering if it was funny to the author, teller or speaker. Are they yanking your chain; are they being ironic?
Funny or not, things happen on the way to anywhere and the lessons are where the importance lay - that is the key to any story - the lessons learned.
And so it was yesterday for me, it happened.
I have been considering my choices, weighing my options even since the week before. It was obvious I could not continue trying to fill all roles; a clear choice had to be made. It would have been easy if the three were equal or seemed equally comparable. One option had more immediate tangible benefits, the second had a little less margin of tangibles compared to the first but promises a path that leads to the kind of future I imagined for us. The third option was going to stay regardless of what I decided for the first two; I had to keep it at least for the legacy effects and the relationships involved. Once again I had apples, oranges and mixed fruit juice to compare - and the sizes were so different that comparing was not going to be easy. Maybe the apple should be dropped, afterall I have had my share of apples this year and I don't believe it is the season for the fruit anyway. Maybe the orange, it is hard work to peel it before eating it and even if I chose to squeeze - still some work.
So it was for a few days, I had moved back and forth on the choices and I could only move forward with two out of three. It was not undoable to go with the three but there are consequences to greed that I am not ready to suffer. I treasure my sanity and I could use some free time. The one week I had to really experience the three had other external pressures thrown in for good measures. I had to explain to a close friend why I needed focus and still they were too close to their wants to see my point. It was not a waste though, it was a big reveal to me to see through the eyes of another and see why I should make and communicate my choices clearly.
Friday came and so did the "final answer". I did not have to make a choice afterall; once was already made for me. "We wanted to assure you it had nothing to do with your performance and we will like to get your help with ... but we could not afford that during that critical part of the year. We hope you understand and we look forward to continuing the relationship and working on the other ..."
Phew! - What a relief! I was saved from having to make that tough and awkward phone call; I was called. It still amazes me that funny things continue to happen on the way to making decisions and on the way to leading a life. Funny things like this happen often on the way to somewhere to me. That is the funny part --> It Happened To Me <-- the funnier part is that it happened to me "AGAIN". Just like waking up without alarm by 04:00 because you have a flight to catch at 07:00 and had turned in late last night by 23:50 (without setting an alarm and without having your bags packed and needed two hours to get ready and drive to the airport).
AWESOME.
A funny thing happened on the way to a new opportunity once upon a time, what had happened was a choice was made for me.
Monday, June 09, 2008
In the END, there could only be ONE
Highlander - that was the show with the very premise of the pyramid scheme. Duncan McCloud seemed like the chosen one among the many whose grip on immortality are threatened by another's sword. Ageless in their pursuit until the appointed time when another's sword separates their head from the body. The thunderous explosions in extinction of the life ushers in a stronger step towards being the one.
Think of the contrast "e pluberis unum"
I took a liking to psychology and philosophy in college; I was nearly in love with these subjects but the feeling was not strong enough to sway my romantic mind away from the sciences. I loved evidence, discovery and data-guided results much more than pontifications. The wisdom in the arts and science of thinking was the biggest draw for me. When it is all said and done, there are two sides to every story... (1)survival of the fittest eliminates the weaklings until only the strongest stands; (2) survival is about corporation amongst the gifted within a community, no one person has it all and it is only by working together that the many achieve a oneness that surpasses the varied talents in the pool.
You could tell which side of the argument I am on by how I presented them.
Today is one of those days for me. I was not ready to make a big deal of it; the last time it was a big deal for me, I was twenty-something. Celebrating my birthday has been low keyed for ages and I expected same for this year. I was surprised (and I love surprises). Yesterday was somber and today is a good day.
For many years my multiple persona have morphed into just two - Gemini (opposite and twin). I had gone from the id, ego and super-ego to just the body and the spirit. Today, I am in re-generation as there is becoming one person - in fullness and completeness of my person. The early divisions have subsided are melting away. I understand now why the body is dead without the spirit and why the spirit could not live without the body. It was never a contest for one to do away with the other, it was always a journey for coexistence and oneness.
In the end, there could only be one - one body, one spirit, one people - ONE!
Think of the contrast "e pluberis unum"
I took a liking to psychology and philosophy in college; I was nearly in love with these subjects but the feeling was not strong enough to sway my romantic mind away from the sciences. I loved evidence, discovery and data-guided results much more than pontifications. The wisdom in the arts and science of thinking was the biggest draw for me. When it is all said and done, there are two sides to every story... (1)survival of the fittest eliminates the weaklings until only the strongest stands; (2) survival is about corporation amongst the gifted within a community, no one person has it all and it is only by working together that the many achieve a oneness that surpasses the varied talents in the pool.
You could tell which side of the argument I am on by how I presented them.
Today is one of those days for me. I was not ready to make a big deal of it; the last time it was a big deal for me, I was twenty-something. Celebrating my birthday has been low keyed for ages and I expected same for this year. I was surprised (and I love surprises). Yesterday was somber and today is a good day.
For many years my multiple persona have morphed into just two - Gemini (opposite and twin). I had gone from the id, ego and super-ego to just the body and the spirit. Today, I am in re-generation as there is becoming one person - in fullness and completeness of my person. The early divisions have subsided are melting away. I understand now why the body is dead without the spirit and why the spirit could not live without the body. It was never a contest for one to do away with the other, it was always a journey for coexistence and oneness.
In the end, there could only be one - one body, one spirit, one people - ONE!
Saturday, January 26, 2008
There is no such EAZY money
I evaluated the project and thought:
Well, it would've been had everything gone right (for the other parties) as anticipated. I was done in 2 mins (ok... with extra one hour to validate & feel sure; so let's just say one hour). Then the calls came in that the other party could not make the milestone. It seemed easy enough with hopes of recovery... then panic, anger, more panic and a lot of second, third, fourth and nth guesses. You know what happens when people start doubting themselves... complete failure --> especially the failure to communicate. Oh, people were communicating just that the doubt lingered and grew larger. Now my 30 minutes is turning into hours and counting...
Then the "CYA" and "face recovery" scenarios played out.
I can't believe I am spending my weekend working very hard for this "EAZY" money. Oh well, just goes to show how easy money could be when you have to work for it. Money is in torns - spread the word.
I feel rewarded. I did my homework; I came through in record time and I plan to continue the trend.
I know different now; don't ever think it E-A-Z-Y to work for your reward. It is rewarding NOT easy.
- candy from a baby
- best 30 minutes I ever spent
- e-a-s-y money
Well, it would've been had everything gone right (for the other parties) as anticipated. I was done in 2 mins (ok... with extra one hour to validate & feel sure; so let's just say one hour). Then the calls came in that the other party could not make the milestone. It seemed easy enough with hopes of recovery... then panic, anger, more panic and a lot of second, third, fourth and nth guesses. You know what happens when people start doubting themselves... complete failure --> especially the failure to communicate. Oh, people were communicating just that the doubt lingered and grew larger. Now my 30 minutes is turning into hours and counting...
Then the "CYA" and "face recovery" scenarios played out.
I can't believe I am spending my weekend working very hard for this "EAZY" money. Oh well, just goes to show how easy money could be when you have to work for it. Money is in torns - spread the word.
I feel rewarded. I did my homework; I came through in record time and I plan to continue the trend.
I know different now; don't ever think it E-A-Z-Y to work for your reward. It is rewarding NOT easy.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
so recently things change
Change!
The one thing that I was sure of is "change." I tell people how much I love it and how greatly it excites me. I anticipate it and live for it - at least so I told myself. Then things changed.
It is mental and may be classified a disorder by some that I do backtrack my actions and habits. I discovered recently that it is habitual for me to start sentences with "No, ..." even when I am in agreement and putting forth an ammendment to an existing notion. That cannot be a great way to win over the audience if one starts off disagreeing in the first word. It became a focus after realizing that there are unintended reactions and facial contortions in response to aspects of my conversations.
Party1: "I really thank you for helping me move the table; it would have taken forever to move without your kind help."
ME: "No, it is really nothing. It was my pleasure. You have done much more for me and I was glad I was of help."
What an egghead am I sometimes. I am working on it - to have my YES be yes and my NO be no.
Yes, I embrace change and then it changes.
The one thing that I was sure of is "change." I tell people how much I love it and how greatly it excites me. I anticipate it and live for it - at least so I told myself. Then things changed.
It is mental and may be classified a disorder by some that I do backtrack my actions and habits. I discovered recently that it is habitual for me to start sentences with "No, ..." even when I am in agreement and putting forth an ammendment to an existing notion. That cannot be a great way to win over the audience if one starts off disagreeing in the first word. It became a focus after realizing that there are unintended reactions and facial contortions in response to aspects of my conversations.
Party1: "I really thank you for helping me move the table; it would have taken forever to move without your kind help."
ME: "No, it is really nothing. It was my pleasure. You have done much more for me and I was glad I was of help."
What an egghead am I sometimes. I am working on it - to have my YES be yes and my NO be no.
Yes, I embrace change and then it changes.
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